Living In Photographs.

The day I died is seared into my memory. I close my eyes and I can see the car hurling towards us, the shrieking howl that came tumbling from my mouth, the unnatural crunching of metal, the blinding light, followed by silence.

After the silence, I opened my eyes to find myself little and young, sitting on a stool wearing the itchy plaid dress with the peter pan collar and an owl patch from my kindergarten photo. Glancing around the room, my head spinning, I went to speak and realized that my two front teeth were missing.

“What the hell is happening?” I thought to myself, in my mature, grown-up voice. “How did I get here? Where is Alex?” I froze as my mom walked over, tousling my hair and kissing my forehead. I tried to call out to her, to say “Mom, why are you here? Where are we? What is going on?” but all that came out was a giggle. “Smile big!”, she cooed and I did as I was told.

The flash on the camera snapped and everything went black. “Hello?” I cried, my voice echoing into the void suddenly surrounding me. “HELLO!” I wailed, hoping for something or someone to respond. The only sound was my voice trailing off.

I shut my eyes as tight as I could, like I did when I was little and thunderstorms would cast shadow monsters across my room. When I would open my eyes, the monsters would be gone. I was certain that this time when I opened my eyes, the darkness would be gone.

Snap! I opened my eyes to Adam Galveson’s arms draped around me, standing on the steps of the Capitol. I looked down to see my yellow sequined gown shimmering in the lights, the pale pink of the rose in my corsage surrounded by baby’s breath, my sequined shoes poking out ever so slightly below the hem of my gown.

Behind the photographer standing in front of me stood a line of teenagers, my old friends. Adam leaned down and whispered that I looked gorgeous and kissed my neck softly. The memories of the night flooded my head. I was spinning. “Prom?,” I thought to myself with a furrowed brow. “Seriously, what the fuck is happening!”

The photographer asked us to get together for our group photo. I always hated these things. The cheesiness of it all. Though, I obliged dutifully just as I had all those years ago and sat on Adam’s knee, posing with my hands just-so on my knees, looking innocent as hell. My mind raced. I wanted to kick and scream and fight until someone gave up the joke but my body simply refused to follow my minds wishes, tracing the same steps I’d once moved in. “Cheese!” followed by the dark void.

“Fuck!” I screamed into the nothing. As horrifying as the dark had to been to me all those years, with shadow monsters and creepy crawlies to invade my mind, nothing compared to the absolute terror of nothing. No light, no noise, no distraction. Nothing. My mind raced faster than I could handle. I felt myself spinning, with no way to figure out which way was up and down. Even in the dark you can feel the walls close in with tunnel vision before you hit the floor.

Snap! I opened my eyes to find myself sitting in a field of wildflowers, Jensyn sitting next to me gently putting together an intricate flower crown. I looked at her longingly. Jensyn and I had been best friends since forever. She was basically my sister; my other half, my twin flame. We kept each other calm and grounded when the world went pear shaped. I needed her now more than anything else in this world.

“Oh, Jensyn!” I cried in my mind. “This was one of my very favorite days!” I glanced around to find Alex winding his camera and snapping photos of the beautiful scenery around us. The air was warm and heavy with the summer sun, a slight, gentle breeze rustling the flowers and our hair. Jensyn’s skin was sun-kissed and beaming as usual. We were in the field that day to take our senior photos. We would graduate college the following spring.

I looked down at my dress, soft and flowing with a crochet top and lace overlay. I gingerly moved the fabric between my hands. I bent down to smell the flowers around me, breathing more deeply than I ever had before. The sweet smell lingered in my nose. Snap!

Candid photos are always so perfect in the moment however, in my current situation I had idea at what point that photo was snapped so I could simply not  prepare for the moment the memory would be ripped away into black. I sat down and put my head in my hands. Tears started to form in my eyes, dewy as they slid down my face. I could still feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I begged and pleaded with whomever was out there listening to just take me back to that day. I could stay there and try to figure out what the hell was happening to me.

I laid down and closed my eyes. With no idea how long I’d been in the void, how long I would be or when the next time warp was coming I figured the least I could do was try to sleep. Maybe I could dream of that day again with it’s sweet air and warm sunlight. I jolted up screaming as the car careened into us once again. My nightmares were far worse than the darkness here.

It was at that moment I realized I was dead. I hadn’t survived the impact. What about Alex? Did he make it out? If not, would I find him here, too? Somewhere, in one of our photos together, could we possibly end up together again? I wished for nothing more. Having someone with me that could grasp what was happening would be so much easier than trying to navigate this on my own.

As I sat there, dark pooling around me like the shadow monsters of my dreams I began to think about all of the photos I’d been over the course of my life. The stupid, drunken moments in college, the silly poolside pictures from my childhood, the Christmas card Alex and I had sent the previous winter. Where would I go next? Was this really how I was to spend the rest of my life? Ahem, the rest of eternity?

Snap! I opened my eyes to a blustery winter day, snow falling lightly, lights twinkling on the house in front of me. I looked down to find my feet buried in snow, the tops of my pink snow boots barely sticking out from the top of the mound they were buried in. My hands were warm from my pink mittens and my snowsuit stuck out awkwardly under my puffy pink coat.

My nose was cold and runny, my two front teeth missing, my hair matted with sweat under my hat. I looked over to find Jensyn putting the nose on our snowman. Her cheeks were pink as could be from the cold, her hair pressed tightly to her face underneath the hood of her parka, the string pulled taught to keep her warm. Her mittened hands working feverishly to get the carrot to stick in just right.

I watched her with ferocity. I adored this little girl, six years old and the best thing to ever happen to me. With no siblings, she was family. I missed being six. Hell, I missed being alive. None the less, I watched her with pure adornment. How I wanted to reach out and tell her that I was here, all grown up but still little. I wanted to tell her of the life we would build as we grew, the adventures we would go on together, the pain and fear and sleepless nights of heartache. I wanted so badly to just feel something other than the fear of being ripped back to nothing.

My mother’s voice jolted me from my thoughts as she told us to get together by the snowman for a picture. Though I knew once the camera snapped I would be torn off again, sent back to nothing, I couldn’t wait for this picture. I remembered it all to well. My feet slid around in my boots as we sloshed towards one another, giggling. We wrapped our arms around each other, gripping as tight as we could. I kissed Jensyn on the cheek. My runny nose pressing against her pink cheek, we both fell into the snow in a burst of laughter.

“You got snot all over me,” Jensyn cried between bouts of belly laughs. “I was just sharing!” I chided, my tummy aching from the fun. My mother smiled at us lovingly. She helped us up once we calmed down. Once again, we sloshed over to our snowman and wrapped ourselves up together. I whispered, “Oh, I miss you my sweet friend” under my breath. Snap!

The darkness came in hauntingly this time. The silence was deafening. Tears slid down my face, creating a wet pool at my feet. My head spun with memories and flashbacks of my life. “This cannot be the end of me!” I cried, to no one. There had to be something I could do. I could not simply jump from photo to photo, memory to memory for the rest of God knows how long. Nothing I could have ever done, no sin I could have committed would warrant this type of punishment. There had to be a way to get out of this fucked up situation.

Snap! The smell of stale pizza and flat beer stung my nose. I opened my eyes to find myself at Gilly’s Bar. Shit, I hand’t been to Gilly’s since that last night with Chase. My heart stopped in my chest, tight and aching. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want this memory, this photo, this pain. I glanced down to find a shot of whiskey. I only drank the hard stuff when my world spun out of control. Chase had that effect on me and this night was the worst of them all.

Chase and I had dated my junior year of college. He was an enigma. Everyone that met him was instantly drawn in. Charm radiated from his entire being. His smile held you captive and when he spoke, it was thoughtful and full of soul. He could draw in an audience at a party like I’d never seen.

Jensyn and I had been studying like crazy for mid terms. Though I really wasn’t big on parties, the night was young and we were restless so we headed to Sigma Beta Phi’s mixer. I hated frat boys and really wasn’t up for the bullshit of it all but Jensyn had insisted that she needed to “let her hair down”.

The stench of sweaty bodies blended with stale beer hung thick in the air as we walked in to the party. The music was so loud all the pictures on the wall had been skewed along the wall. An obscene amount of skin parade around in front of us, grinding against one another. This was not my scene. Jensyn flung herself in the middle of the dance floor and was immediately swarmed by drunk, shirtless douche bags. Little did these boys know that Jensyn was one scrappy kid.

Growing up with two older brothers and me to look after, she learned at a young age how to handle herself. Girl could throw a right hook like you’ve never seen. Gave a boy in our junior high a black eye once for grabbing my ass. Kid never saw it coming. She was suspended for a week. My dad bought her flowers and took us out to dinner.

I knew she’d be safe. She didn’t drink much and was smart enough to not take a drink from anyone. We’d seen all the after-school specials. I wandered the frat house, avoiding spilling drinks and grabby hands as best I could. I made my way outside and bumped smack into Chase while trying to avoid a couple going at it in the doorway.

“I’m so sorry!” I breathed, turning to find Chase’s glass green eyes staring deep into mine. “No problem.” He sighed, a slight smile curling at the sides of his mouth. My heart leaped into my throat and I felt the unnerving rush of blood flood my cheeks and chest. I was done for.

From that day on, Chase and I spent nearly every day together for the next eight months. We fell into a routine, as all couples do. We had Friday night pizza at Gilly’s with Jensyn and her fling of the week. Sundays were spent cramming for classes the following week, usually falling asleep together on the couch. Occasionally we’d go into the city and have a proper date night, playing dress up and enjoying cocktails. It all seemed so perfect.

Just before the start of end of our junior year, Chase became distant. When he talked, I would listen. I was so desperate to save us I would have done just about anything he asked. This was the first and only man I had ever really given my heart to. Seeing him pull away was the most gut wrenching thing I had ever experienced. I knew that he had demons to face and that his biggest fear in the world was wrapping me up in his internal fight. I would have gladly helped him face them, together. He chose to face them alone.

That last night at Gilly’s, Chase had ended our relationship. He took my hands gently in his and with tears in his eyes, he said goodbye. I begged him not to do this. I pleaded to give me a chance to heal whatever was broken. He gave me the typical “It’s not you, it’s me” and I angrily ripped my hands from his.

“That’s bullshit! You’ve been distant for weeks now. Clearly, something between us is wrong!” I screamed, the whole bar fell silent, staring. I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. I refused to let this man rip my heart from my chest and walk out of my life, leaving me there to bleed out on the floor.

The sorrow I saw wash over his face was too much to handle. I could not understand how leaving me by his choice was painful for him. If it hurt so goddamn much then don’t do it. I couldn’t breathe. He left money on the table for our drinks and made his way out of the bar. If he looked back, I didn’t see. I couldn’t turn around. I was no longer with a heart.

I called Jensyn who came to my side in an instant, Alex in tow. They held me for what seemed like hours, drinking and crying with me. “That charming prick never deserved you anyhow. Fuck him!” Jensyn chided, raising her tequila. “Fuck him!” shouted the bar, glasses clinking. I buried my head in my hands, utterly destroyed.

Alex wrapped is warm arms around me, hugging me tightly. “It’ll be okay,” he cooed softly. “I know that this shit hurts more than you ever thought possible but it really does get better.” I looked up at him softly, taking in his soft five o’clock shadow and shaggy brown hair hanging neatly in his caramel brown eyes. “Thank you,” I whispered, trying to hold the sobs in as crocodile tears slid down my face.

“That’s it!” cried Jensyn. “Time for another shot! We’ll sweat this heartache out of you if we have to, my love!” She grabbed Alex’s hand and dragged him to the bar. They returned with six shots of whiskey. She knew me too well. Tequila on a good day, whiskey when it hurts. She pulled her phone from her pocket as Alex slid in to the booth next to me and wrapped his arm around me once more. “Chin up!” he said with a smile. “On the count of three, FUCK HIM!” One, two, three!

The darkness curled around me like a fog through the forest at night. This time I welcomed it as every inch of my body ached. I sat in silence, tears pooling around me. Reliving the moment was gone but the memory of it all played out vividly in my head, as if I was watching an old movie on repeat.

Two days after our breakup Chase’s brother, had called me in tears. Chase was gone. He had overdosed on his mother’s pain medication from her recent knee surgery. They had found him that morning in bed. My stomach turned at the memory of the phone call. I was certainly not prepared for that. I was grieving the loss of my relationship and suddenly found myself grieving the loss of a life I had so cherished.

The memory stung like a wasp. I closed my eyes in hopes that the darkness would somehow wash it away. Nothing. No nightmare, no silence, just an ever playing reel of that awful phone call and the funeral that followed.

Chase'’s mother was a complete mess. She sobbed uncontrollably as I held her standing by the graveside, my heart completely hollow. She kept saying that she felt like it was her fault. If she hadn’t had the surgery and the pills, maybe she could have prevented this. I did all that I could to assure her that in no way was she to blame. Chase held everything so close to the vest I don’t think any of us truly understood the demons that ran rampant in his world.

Alex and Jensyn stood next to me, somber and sallow. As we left the cemetery, I turned to look at them both. “I can’t believe he’s really gone.” The tears burst from my eyes. My legs gave way and Alex lunged to catch me. We sat in the cemetery, outside the car for an hour while I wailed, heaving my body with wretched movement. My eyes felt like they were coated in a fine layer of sand, my throat dry as a bone, catching fire with each breath. They loaded me into the car and away we went. I whispered goodbye to Chase one last time as we slowly drove away.

Slowly the sharp edges of those few days started to soften and blur. My body ached as it had then. As the reality of the darkness came into view once more, I felt a wave of anger crash over me. How could this be eternity? Memories that rip your whole to shreds all over again? Seeing the people you love and care about for moments and then they’re ripped away from you, leaving you completely alone and abandoned?

I stood, fiery and emboldened. I started to run. Just move forward, I thought to myself. I ran as fast as I could through the darkness, the breeze of my own speed whipping through my hair. My breath quickened and my heart raced. My muscles ached, my lungs blazed with fire but I did not stop. I couldn’t stop. Tears began to form, streaking down my cheeks. As the anger bubbled over inside of me, I slowed, a guttural scream came pouring out of me as loud as my voice could manage. I fell to the floor, sobbing and worn out. Sleep came easy.

Once again I woke to the sound of bending metal and blood curdling screams. This time I realized, I was screaming, in the darkness, alone and afraid. I had never felt so drained. It was as if I had felt every single emotion at once, my soul bursting at the seams with it’s intensity and then burned out like the stars. My head spun as I sat, composing myself of everything that had happened and the memories that I just couldn’t shake. The darkness still hung around me, thick like the air after a hot summer storm. All that running and I was still in the dark.

I’m not sure what I thought I’d find, running my way through nothing. Perhaps I was hoping that I’d run and find myself leaving through the opening of a cave, or the thick of a forest, bursting out into the sunshine and fresh air. Feeling completely deflated, I sat in the darkness for what seemed like days. In darkness, time loses itself. The concept is entirely lost. I could have been in this black hole for two hour or forty years. I had no idea. All I knew for sure was that this is how the rest of my eternity would be spent. I was terrified of what memory was next to come.